What is it with the massage approach? It’s far too common, and not just with famous men. I’m beginning to think there’s some instruction manual I’m unaware of – something like, “How to get your hands on someone you barely know by pretending it’s innocuous.” Does anyone think that asking someone for a massage or starting to rub someone is acceptable outside an established relationship? It’s not.
What’s obvious is that Weinstein had a script. If you read the women’s account (and you should read it) they all follow familiar paths. It was rote. He went with massage, exposing himself or outright force – all the while threatening their futures. And my heart breaks for these young women.
But Weinstein’s behavior is familiar, and not just among the rich and famous – altho, Oh boy!, there’s sure a lot of rich and famous men who obviously act this way. This sort of behavior exists no matter how much fame or money you have. In our society, across every socioeconomic level, across political views, religions, region, etc., far too many men tend to behave this way – to varying degrees. And yes, inappropriate comments are part of this. None of this is new. What’s different is that a few of these men are being punished (sorta? Not really) for their behavior.
There’s not any difference between Weinstein and a supervisor at work threatening your job. Nor is there any difference between Cosby and drink-spiker at the bar or college party. Or Chris Brown/Sean Connery and the guy who’s beating his wife/girlfriend over ‘dinner not being ready’ or supposedly ‘looking at another man’. Like I said, across the board. Which makes our outrage? astonishment? disbelief? over Weinstein almost laughable. Are we blind?
What I have learned is that there’s a outrageously large number of women who have to come forward before anything happens. Why is that? Weinstein’s behavior was known – there are comedy skits about it. Just the price of doing business?
As more and more of this behavior becomes public, I have to wonder… is Trump (who’s been accused of every version of sexual assault) really an outlier?
#Irefusetosayit – and if you need it said then you just might be part of the problem.
I wish I could offer a reasonable explanation for this behavior, but I can’t. I mean I can’t even come up with a scenario in which anything approaching this would be less than revolting. Forget excusing it, I can’t even explain it as anything other than sociopathic.
I really agree with what Evey said in her comment the other day: Most men are broken little boys trying to cover up that fact. But even that doesn’t explain such gross abuse of power. And make no mistake, this is about power, not sex.
Pro tip: If the person you’re with is not enjoying it as much as you do, you should stop immediately. Why should someone even have to say “no” if it’s obvious he or she is not enjoying it? Sex is about pleasing your partner; if it’s about pleasing yourself, it’s masturbation.
I apologize for saying this, because it might seem flip, but I’m serious: In what universe is a naked Harvey Weinstein less of a turn-off than a clothed Harvey Weinstein, and how did Mr. Weinstein travel to that universe?
People… probably men, but a lot of people, think “the casting couch” was a fun thing for all. They cant wrap their mind around the fact that young women might not want to save sex with something that looks like a rotten potato in order ot advance their career. They also certainly aren’t aware of all the times women must have lied to to them to spare their fragile little egos. They live in a fantasy Mad Men world. They also cant be educated without flipping out.
I corrected an older male on the notion that “everyone got what they wanted” out of the “good old casting couch” and his response to “ya know, it wasnt right back then either, it’s just that no one said anything and now women are speaking up” was “*huff huff* well now you’re making ME out to be a BAD GUY!!!!” and continued to get his victim on. I dont know that there is an answer other than maybe refusing to procreate with these guys? Drown every 3rd baby boy to make a female dominated society? idk.
The “I’m the real victim” game says soooo much about the person playing it. There are many older men who don’t think like this, and I’m really tired of their generational excuse. These guys use this ploy to get away with bad, illegal behavior. They know exactly what they are doing and that it’s wrong.
Everyone knew about the casting couch, they just didn’t have the names. And you can’t print the names unless you want to tangle with the aggressive lawyers guys like Cosby, Weinstein and Trump routinely employ. Coming forward doesn’t risk absolute ruin, it guarantees it.
I think what’s hard for people to see is that it’s all connected. You can’t go to the “justice” system, which is, even more than a male-dominated field, a money-and-power dominated field. (I just saw on Phillyvoice today that a woman who mocked online the gay-bashing girl from Bucks County whose father is a police chief had charges filed against her and was fired for her job — just for mocking the little snowflake.)
Money and power buy you a separate justice system in this country, and if few women have access to it, it’s by design.
“Pro tip: If the person you’re with is not enjoying it as much as you do, you should stop immediately. Why should someone even have to say “no” if it’s obvious he or she is not enjoying it? Sex is about pleasing your partner; if it’s about pleasing yourself, it’s masturbation.”
Exactly. Consent is something we do easily in every other part of our lives. I use to think the excuse of not being able to tell if a woman was enjoying sex/touching was about those men being lousy in bed, but the more this stuff comes out the more I think that’s just an excuse for doing exactly what they want.
And I love your last line. I’m so stealing that!
Frankly, I wonder if some of these powerful men seek consent on anything. They seem to view everything as zero-sum transactional. I know power corrupts, but it seems to work especially strongly on the narcissistic.
One thing I notice is how childishly they behave. Was Orson Welles onto something when he had Charles Foster Kane longing to regress to childhood?
On the massage question: Women, if a guy ever tells you he needs his back rubbed, tell him your hands aren’t strong enough but you’d be happy to use your elbow. If he really needs a knot massaged out of his back he won’t say no.
Twitter suspended Rose McGowan’s (one of Weinstein’s victims) account for violation of rules – no one seems to know exactly what tweet of hers violated the rules. The best guess is she called out Ben Affleck on knowing about Weinstein’s abuse – with a FU. Meanwhile, being a Nazi on Twitter is A-okay! *sigh*
And while the President of the United States is threatening everything in sight on Twitter. A friend on FB pointed out the hypocrisy of a culture that keeps asking women to speak up about this abuse, while shutting these women down when they do.
Cassandra, please! I was eating breakfast!
Agreed, must chant my mantra to cleanse my mind. Oh! The horror! And disgust.
What was that fella’s name? Bill or Willie something or other? Seems a shame to leave that cheeky bastard out of the conversation….. A curious shame indeed.
Let’s see, three guys who’ve been accused in the past year, and one who was impeached for it 20 years ago. Go back to Sesame Street, fella — one of these things is not like the others.